Accountability
Article:
QBQ! Boundaries: Saying No
QBQ! QuickNotes™ may be
forwarded by email or printed in their entirety with full credit
given for personal and group use.© QBQ, Inc. 2008. All
rights reserved.
It was 1974 and I was
a 16-year-old driver cruising down Cayuga Street in Ithaca,
N.Y. in my 1962 AMC Rambler (no laughing, please).
And when I say "cruising," I mean going 15 mph in
small town stop-and-go traffic. Something caught my eye to the
left; a distraction on the sidewalk. While my eyes were off
the road for less than a second—BAM!—I plowed into
the rear bumper of the car ahead of me. Oh, man, my first accident.
Well, the short story
is that evening the guy whose car I hit called our house. This
total stranger asked my dad to loan him one of our cars (remember,
Small Town, USA) while his was being repaired. And my dad said
he would! Now, you should know that for my dad—the pastor,
wrestling coach, politician, and much-beloved amiable Mr. Nice
Guy—this was not out of character.
It wasn't surprising
that he would cross this boundary or, said differently, allow
this boundary to be crossed. But, thankfully, his brother,
my Uncle Bob, was there that night. This man, not as warm and
fuzzy as his older brother, Jimmy, was a successful car dealer
with a better business mind. He quickly gave my dad some firm
guidance, saying: "No, Jimmy, do not loan that guy a car.
His vehicle getting damaged is the risk he took putting it on
the road. You have no obligation to go that far."
Huh, I thought, years
before becoming The QBQ! Guy, I like that. Yes, I was
completely, totally, and personally accountable for knocking
that man's car bumper off, but the lesson in Uncle Bob's wisdom
was it's okay to draw boundaries. It's okay to say NO. We were
not obligated to honor the request.
| Obligation defined:
Something a person feels bound to do, which arises
out of a sense of duty or custom. |
Sense of duty. Custom.
Long held practices. Sounds like the holidays! And
though the story above is not holiday specific, it is a life
lesson worth applying. And it just might be profoundly powerful
and timely as we enter the holidays, eh? Can you envision a
time with more busyness, stress, and fatigue? One with less
clear boundaries? One with more obligations—both real
and perceived!?
Lesson Application:
So, again, just because I hit
the guy's car, didn't mean we were obligated to loan him one.
And just because ...
-
a good friend invites me
to his party, doesn't mean I am obligated to go.
-
the children want the newest
version of Guitar Hero, doesn't mean I have to go into debt
for it.
-
the office is having a gift
exchange, doesn't mean I must participate.
-
everyone loves Grandma's
7 layer Jell-O dessert (a 6 hour project!), doesn't mean
she has to make it.
-
the neighbor's Christmas
lights are up early and look fantastic, doesn't mean we
need to compete.
-
relatives from 1,200 miles
away shipped gifts for my children, doesn't mean I have
to reciprocate.
-
my college roommate writes
a beautiful Christmas letter with really cool artwork and
stunning photos of her perfect kids, handsome hubby, and
Golden Retriever, Max, doesn't mean I have to write one
at all!!!
Drawing boundaries and
resisting the temptation to overdo are all about "taking
care of me," and—contrary to popular opinion—there's
nothing wrong with that. If more of us took care of
ourselves, we just might have an abundance of joy, improved
mental and physical health, and greater peace of mind during
a season that is all about Peace On Earth.
(Disclaimer: So why isn't
this message titled "Saying YES!" and encouraging
people to partake in celebratory activities like those listed
above? Because that's not where most of us require strength.
The lesson needed for many is not YES but, "No, thanks.
Not this time.")
Sure, it's fun to revel
in the holidays and to give to others, but possibly the best
gift I can give myself and those around me this season is the
gift of saying NO.
John G. Miller
Author of QBQ! and Flipping the Switch
Edited by Kristin Lindeen
QBQ! speaker/workshop facilitator
QBQ! (The Question Behind the
Question) QuickNote
QBQ! QuickNotes™
may be forwarded by email to others or printed in their entirety
with full credit given for personal and group use. © QBQ,
Inc. 2008. All rights reserved.
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